BTW

I thought this blog would make me more sad but it actually really does help to get it out and put it somewhere!!!! no matter how embarassed or upset I feel for being so upset. I am now obsessed with blogging even though I really dont know how to navigate it! i mean how on earth do u know if someone comments that someone being Erin:) just go check every one! i guess

The Reason that made me contact Erin

Btw I had been wanting to contact Erin and Leandro from the time at the hospital but what really made me and really made me mad at myself was when I googled Stephens name to find out where he worked bc I didn't want to ask anyone, i was so mad at myself that I didn't know. and utiliquest came up (a request for prayers on a forum board). Erin's FB wasn't private and I had FB stalked (hehe)her right after this happened so I knew she worked at Utiliquest and knew she must've told steve about that job bc her leandro and him were so close. I also kicked myself and not that it mattered bc we worked right by each other when he was at the iron place and never got together so im not saying things wouldve been different if i wouldve known while he was still here but i wouldve found out on our trip to NO and I go to spectrum almost everyday before this and I passed by there everyday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know i am trying not to dwell on regrets bc what does that really help but then i was sooo angry and regretful with myself so I am trying to get it out here! bc it really is a major moment in my life when I met Erin!!!! hopefully she will be a friend for a lifetime and we were supposed to meet but not til now. not only to help each other but to be friends apart from this tragedy

Friends come into your life when they're supposed to

So enough sadness, regret, longing. I have forgotten to say. I guess since you (erin) r the only one I want to read my blog about you! I stalked Erin G. down on June 30, 2009 I think. I had seen her at the hospital with Leandro and then at the wake (btw why on earth is it called a wake) and funeral. I wanted to run up to both of them so bad bc i knew how close Stephen was to both of them but bc of my self conscious issues i did not. I also didn't know if it would be appropriate during what was going on. I had a NEED to be close to them, I can't explain why and I hardly ever act on these urges but I did. I noticed Erin's post on the guest book on the advocate and it was short but with so much meaning. I immediately regretted going into such great lengths on my own post. I almost emailed the legacy people and asked them to take mine off. So i saw it said contact that person. I had seen Erin and Leandro on myspace and FB of course and I don't know why I didn't contact them on there but I slid the mouse over contact and just did it!!! I expected her to be terrified by my stalker tendencies but she was so nice and inviting, it is very unlike me (and later i thought how stephen would be laughing at me bc he knew how i am and that i do not seek out new friendships, not bc i don't like to meet new people but bc I am pretty nervous and shy) but i told her she ever wanted to talk that i was there, it was like something just told me to write it and i sent it. anyway we met on 4th of July at Charlottes by our old apt and by her apt. i was nervous but went. She immediately made me feel comfortable with a big hug. She shared many stories and things about Stephen. I cried and laughed mostly the whole time. In a way I sat there feeling an incredible jealousy, only bc she was able to be with him so much. I got over it and she invited me to her apt. to look at pics of him which is also somehting i normally would never do but i tell you there was something comforting about her and around her. I played with her 2 adorable kittens (i love cats and immediately love anyone with cats esp when they r rescued which is what she did) we looked at pictures and laughed and i cried some more which is pretty typical:) I loved all of the photo shoots they had, it cracked me up! I like to tell myself I got Steve into taking pictures at all. When we first started hanging out i forced him into pictures and pretty soon before we did anything we would run to Wal Mart and both get disposable cameras! it seems like yday when it was 8 yrs ago!! sighhhh....... I am grateful we did still keep in touch after High School though, I honestly only see and talk to a handful of people from hs in real life and these i count amoung my best friends! I don't know if I can call him a best friend, it was something more, something undefined, something i think we created within ourselves.

pics i don't want to post on FB

this pic to the right is Katie and her parentals, but check out Stephen and me sneaking off, if you look close he has his arm thru mine which i picked on him about. lol

Graspping

I went to Mrs. bev's house today to pick up some spin shoes and other stuff. i did fully intend on going to spin class but then we began talking and i have always been able to talk to her and literally tell her almost anything. i still keep some things to myself or had really only shared with Stephen and i honestly think that is 1 of the reasons i am taking this so hard bc i knew my heart my soul my mind even the bad parts of these things and the scary dark parts so i feel like he took a part of me with him when he left. it makes me sad i didnt' realize all of this recently before this happened. i know that i had written him cards and letters and even told him in person how much he meant to me. i can't remember exactly what i said or wrote etc but i know he knew. i may not have expressed this to him recently but in the past i had and he knew.
I loved talking to mrs bev bc me and stephen practically lived at her house sr year and that summer and really til we all started college(which i didnt' do so well at) i usually have a great memory but if i don't keep a journal for that time period i really cant remember. I guess thats why ive always had such an excellent memory bc from the time i was 8 i kept a journal. just to get it out and it really did help me when i would go back and read it i learned alot from myself and was able to go thru memories like they were happening that day i was reminiscing. my sr year i kept a journal and ended up ripping it up and burning it when i got married mainly bc i was ashamed of some things and never wanted people to know some things and i was paranoid someone would read it. now i wish more than ever i wouldve kept it bc it has most not all but most of my stephen memories! so anyway bev reminded me of the time the day after Sarah's funeral kt, stephen, and i got each other thru it and just stayed together constantly at that time. im not sure why or what that meant to all of us but she said and i guess i had blocked this out bc i try to block out painful memories no matter how important or how much i learned from them and she said we went in her office and of course i rem after and we sat behind this partition she had on the floor close and just sat. i cant exactly rem what i was feeling at that time or why that helped us but we seemed to be able to get thru that time together.. never in a million years would i think that it would be me 8 yrs later curled up in a ball in my sons room while he was at my moms bargaining and praying with Heavenly Father to please just send him back, i didn't care how selfish it was i need it! i need him and he shouldve known that God should know that!!!!! he was always there for me no matter when i needed him. i could call in the middle of the night and he was there and although i pick and get mad that he never wrote back on computer or text. when i would say "Stephen, I need you please text me back or call me" he did! i probably only did that once a year but he was there and i knew hed always be there for the highs and the lows and the good and bad and the milestones in each others lives. and i have to rem that that he did love me and maybe i didnt do as much for him as he did for me but hopefully helping me made him happy.

i think somehow i have 2 blogs and i cant figure out where or how to invite erin to the other one bc it only had like 2 posts but oh well!!! haha

5 STAGES OF GRIEF

1. DENIAL
I GUESS IM BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN ALL OF THESE EXCEPT ACCEPTANCE
2. ANGER
3. BARGAINING
4. DEPRESSION
5. ACCEPTANCE-WILL THIS EVER HAPPEN

I HATE THAT I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE AND FAMILY AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW SAD I AM MOST OF THE TIME. ALOT OF THE TIME I AM HAPPY BUT THE OTHERS... I HATE THAT I CAN'T BE THERE FOR THOSE GRIEVING MORE THAN ME OR I DON'T THINK I CAN BE IDK!!! I FEEL LIKE SUCH A DOWNER AND NOT A HELP TO ANYONE! I FEEL LIKE MAYBE STEPHEN WAS ALWAYS THE ONE HELPING AND TAKING CARE OF ME AND I JUST TOOK TOOK TOOK!!! AND NEVER GAVE ANYTHING!

the last text message or any kind of contact i had with stephen was probably a month ago! i had my ipod on shuffle or whatever and at last came on so of course i immediately thought of stephen and all this stuff came flooding back and of course i dont remember the exact words but i said "hey just thinking of u i just heard at last" and he took like idk probably a day to write back and said something to the effect of "thats a great song to be associated with" idk!!! i wish i wouldve saved that! i am anal about not having any text messages it just looks cluttered but since June 24 i have not deleted one! crazy i know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

honestly i dont know if this made me feel better or worse but at least its typed up somewhere and not swimming around in my head!!! i hate punctuation etc when im typing up something i passionately feel bc it just takes too much time! i may delete all of this in 10 minutes idk, it may delete itself like it did the one this morning! oh welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

one more thing now that im sharing alot that i probably normally wouldnt and shouldnt!! Im so pissed I couldn't give blood that day, i wanted to punch the nurse lady blood person whatever. well of course my pulse is high i am extremely upset,,,duh!! let me give blood!!!! then i wouldve felt like i did something to help someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MUSIC

Music that reminds me of Stephen
now mind u this was 2000-2002 basically so its old etc
Etta James-At Last
Verve Pipe-Bittersweet Symphony
Easy E-College Girls are Easy
there are many more but i can't think right now and ever since then anytime i got a new mp3 or ipod or whatever after my cd's were all scratched up i always downloaded those certain songs bc they signified a time in my life that will always be whats that quote they were the best of times and the worst of times and all my memories with stephen were the best of times. Im a rambler! oh well! i need sleeeeeeeeeep!! at first i thought itd be ok if i didnt sleep but i believe its getting to me! I almost am mad at him for leaving me! how nuts is that? when i hadn't even seen him in a year???? im mad he never hardly would text back or write me on FB or Myspace, no matter how much he hated doing that he still should have!!! yaghhh now i just feel bad and selfish!!!!! he knew i am a self conscious person he knew that i constantly am editing myself and overanalyzing he shouldve known i would just give up when he didnt respond!! im sooo mad and sad!!!! and angry with myself!! Im mad that i wasn't called when the wreck happened, im mad i had to find out from someone that i just shouldnt have found out from. selfish i know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am making a list in my phone and when something happens to me my family better call those people and stephen wouldve been on my list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im mad i didnt go to the hospital immediately when i did finally find out, i just knew God wouldn't do that to him or me or his family or best friends, i knew a miracle would happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i would see him again, if i couldve just seen him 1last time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is mine

Im not posting pics of my kids etc bc i do that on myspace and facebook and this is all mine. its all about me and is supposed to help me right? so don't judge! lol
also why on earth doesnt the iphone have a blogspot app, i can't find it and its really bugging me bc my iphone is my little security comfort thing right now and it would be so much easier to open my little app write what im feeling right at the moment whether its happy sad painful or embarassing and be done with it, have it out there and not have to remember and then when i get home in front of computer i forget! that way i wont have to bother people with always talking about it! what are the 5 or whatever stages of grief bc i think i was angry earlier and now i cant stop crying!

suxx

I even put a video up which took me like an hour to figure out and its gonnnnneeeee

i hate computers

so im pissed bc i did just a short little blog post but i liked it after i read it and now its like gone! i hate figuring out new things!!! i need someone to show me and then i can do it!!! or i guess i could google it which i do with everything! im not so sure about this blog bc i know i will filter myself and not come up with the right words and I dont know if this is helping me with my grief or hurting me............