Graspping

I went to Mrs. bev's house today to pick up some spin shoes and other stuff. i did fully intend on going to spin class but then we began talking and i have always been able to talk to her and literally tell her almost anything. i still keep some things to myself or had really only shared with Stephen and i honestly think that is 1 of the reasons i am taking this so hard bc i knew my heart my soul my mind even the bad parts of these things and the scary dark parts so i feel like he took a part of me with him when he left. it makes me sad i didnt' realize all of this recently before this happened. i know that i had written him cards and letters and even told him in person how much he meant to me. i can't remember exactly what i said or wrote etc but i know he knew. i may not have expressed this to him recently but in the past i had and he knew.
I loved talking to mrs bev bc me and stephen practically lived at her house sr year and that summer and really til we all started college(which i didnt' do so well at) i usually have a great memory but if i don't keep a journal for that time period i really cant remember. I guess thats why ive always had such an excellent memory bc from the time i was 8 i kept a journal. just to get it out and it really did help me when i would go back and read it i learned alot from myself and was able to go thru memories like they were happening that day i was reminiscing. my sr year i kept a journal and ended up ripping it up and burning it when i got married mainly bc i was ashamed of some things and never wanted people to know some things and i was paranoid someone would read it. now i wish more than ever i wouldve kept it bc it has most not all but most of my stephen memories! so anyway bev reminded me of the time the day after Sarah's funeral kt, stephen, and i got each other thru it and just stayed together constantly at that time. im not sure why or what that meant to all of us but she said and i guess i had blocked this out bc i try to block out painful memories no matter how important or how much i learned from them and she said we went in her office and of course i rem after and we sat behind this partition she had on the floor close and just sat. i cant exactly rem what i was feeling at that time or why that helped us but we seemed to be able to get thru that time together.. never in a million years would i think that it would be me 8 yrs later curled up in a ball in my sons room while he was at my moms bargaining and praying with Heavenly Father to please just send him back, i didn't care how selfish it was i need it! i need him and he shouldve known that God should know that!!!!! he was always there for me no matter when i needed him. i could call in the middle of the night and he was there and although i pick and get mad that he never wrote back on computer or text. when i would say "Stephen, I need you please text me back or call me" he did! i probably only did that once a year but he was there and i knew hed always be there for the highs and the lows and the good and bad and the milestones in each others lives. and i have to rem that that he did love me and maybe i didnt do as much for him as he did for me but hopefully helping me made him happy.