1. DENIAL
I GUESS IM BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN ALL OF THESE EXCEPT ACCEPTANCE
2. ANGER
3. BARGAINING
4. DEPRESSION
5. ACCEPTANCE-WILL THIS EVER HAPPEN
I HATE THAT I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE AND FAMILY AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW SAD I AM MOST OF THE TIME. ALOT OF THE TIME I AM HAPPY BUT THE OTHERS... I HATE THAT I CAN'T BE THERE FOR THOSE GRIEVING MORE THAN ME OR I DON'T THINK I CAN BE IDK!!! I FEEL LIKE SUCH A DOWNER AND NOT A HELP TO ANYONE! I FEEL LIKE MAYBE STEPHEN WAS ALWAYS THE ONE HELPING AND TAKING CARE OF ME AND I JUST TOOK TOOK TOOK!!! AND NEVER GAVE ANYTHING!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
the last text message or any kind of contact i had with stephen was probably a month ago! i had my ipod on shuffle or whatever and at last came on so of course i immediately thought of stephen and all this stuff came flooding back and of course i dont remember the exact words but i said "hey just thinking of u i just heard at last" and he took like idk probably a day to write back and said something to the effect of "thats a great song to be associated with" idk!!! i wish i wouldve saved that! i am anal about not having any text messages it just looks cluttered but since June 24 i have not deleted one! crazy i know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
honestly i dont know if this made me feel better or worse but at least its typed up somewhere and not swimming around in my head!!! i hate punctuation etc when im typing up something i passionately feel bc it just takes too much time! i may delete all of this in 10 minutes idk, it may delete itself like it did the one this morning! oh welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
one more thing now that im sharing alot that i probably normally wouldnt and shouldnt!! Im so pissed I couldn't give blood that day, i wanted to punch the nurse lady blood person whatever. well of course my pulse is high i am extremely upset,,,duh!! let me give blood!!!! then i wouldve felt like i did something to help someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MUSIC
Music that reminds me of Stephen
now mind u this was 2000-2002 basically so its old etc
Etta James-At Last
Verve Pipe-Bittersweet Symphony
Easy E-College Girls are Easy
there are many more but i can't think right now and ever since then anytime i got a new mp3 or ipod or whatever after my cd's were all scratched up i always downloaded those certain songs bc they signified a time in my life that will always be whats that quote they were the best of times and the worst of times and all my memories with stephen were the best of times. Im a rambler! oh well! i need sleeeeeeeeeep!! at first i thought itd be ok if i didnt sleep but i believe its getting to me! I almost am mad at him for leaving me! how nuts is that? when i hadn't even seen him in a year???? im mad he never hardly would text back or write me on FB or Myspace, no matter how much he hated doing that he still should have!!! yaghhh now i just feel bad and selfish!!!!! he knew i am a self conscious person he knew that i constantly am editing myself and overanalyzing he shouldve known i would just give up when he didnt respond!! im sooo mad and sad!!!! and angry with myself!! Im mad that i wasn't called when the wreck happened, im mad i had to find out from someone that i just shouldnt have found out from. selfish i know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am making a list in my phone and when something happens to me my family better call those people and stephen wouldve been on my list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im mad i didnt go to the hospital immediately when i did finally find out, i just knew God wouldn't do that to him or me or his family or best friends, i knew a miracle would happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i would see him again, if i couldve just seen him 1last time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now mind u this was 2000-2002 basically so its old etc
Etta James-At Last
Verve Pipe-Bittersweet Symphony
Easy E-College Girls are Easy
there are many more but i can't think right now and ever since then anytime i got a new mp3 or ipod or whatever after my cd's were all scratched up i always downloaded those certain songs bc they signified a time in my life that will always be whats that quote they were the best of times and the worst of times and all my memories with stephen were the best of times. Im a rambler! oh well! i need sleeeeeeeeeep!! at first i thought itd be ok if i didnt sleep but i believe its getting to me! I almost am mad at him for leaving me! how nuts is that? when i hadn't even seen him in a year???? im mad he never hardly would text back or write me on FB or Myspace, no matter how much he hated doing that he still should have!!! yaghhh now i just feel bad and selfish!!!!! he knew i am a self conscious person he knew that i constantly am editing myself and overanalyzing he shouldve known i would just give up when he didnt respond!! im sooo mad and sad!!!! and angry with myself!! Im mad that i wasn't called when the wreck happened, im mad i had to find out from someone that i just shouldnt have found out from. selfish i know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am making a list in my phone and when something happens to me my family better call those people and stephen wouldve been on my list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im mad i didnt go to the hospital immediately when i did finally find out, i just knew God wouldn't do that to him or me or his family or best friends, i knew a miracle would happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i would see him again, if i couldve just seen him 1last time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is mine
Im not posting pics of my kids etc bc i do that on myspace and facebook and this is all mine. its all about me and is supposed to help me right? so don't judge! lol
also why on earth doesnt the iphone have a blogspot app, i can't find it and its really bugging me bc my iphone is my little security comfort thing right now and it would be so much easier to open my little app write what im feeling right at the moment whether its happy sad painful or embarassing and be done with it, have it out there and not have to remember and then when i get home in front of computer i forget! that way i wont have to bother people with always talking about it! what are the 5 or whatever stages of grief bc i think i was angry earlier and now i cant stop crying!
also why on earth doesnt the iphone have a blogspot app, i can't find it and its really bugging me bc my iphone is my little security comfort thing right now and it would be so much easier to open my little app write what im feeling right at the moment whether its happy sad painful or embarassing and be done with it, have it out there and not have to remember and then when i get home in front of computer i forget! that way i wont have to bother people with always talking about it! what are the 5 or whatever stages of grief bc i think i was angry earlier and now i cant stop crying!
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